You know what that is? Imp of the perverse? Its that thing inside of you that tells you to push the big red button tagged "DO NOT PUSH". I mean, you wanna push it just because you know you shouldn't. Same thing that tells you to jump off a cliff when you're standing at the edge. Not cause you wanna kill yourself, there really isn't a reason outside of just wanting to do it cause you know you shouldn't/can't.
I think its the same thing that makes people want to watch torture in movies. I mean, you know that its something that you really shouldn't be interested in, you should be disgusted by it. And yet, you want to watch it. I just walked out of Resevoir Dogs in a scene where I guy cut off a cops ear. Not like in a fight, but the cop was tied to a chair, gagged, the whole bit. Then the guy went out to his car to get a can of gas. At this point, I really didn't want to know what happened next, so I decided to leave and do something only slightly more useful (that would be blogging, for those of you short on reasoning skills).
So I guess thats sorta a long way of writing something out to pose a question of why do people find that entertaining? I don't care what genre of movie you like, or weather you consider your taste in movies good or not. Thats preferance, nothing more. But why is torture considered entertaining? I personally find it revolting. Silly me, I guess I'm just uncultured. Some would consider me to have poor taste in movies (which I don't care about, I mean, I like what I like, you like what you like), and therefore I am not allowed to voice my opinion. But, being not allowed to do something is more than enough of a reason to do it.
So thats my little rant for the night, go ahead and scoff me off, dance all over my opinion and debunk it on whatever basis you want to. If I am entitled to my opinion (which I am, no matter how invalid you want to tell yourself it is), you are most certainly entitled to yours.
_____ of the day: Um, Thursdays have always struck me as odd.
The Thursday-ed Ogukuo
29 June 2006
23 June 2006
Warning: Randomness
Ok, so I dunno where to start, or end, or if I even have anything to say. Except this: Conversations that have no end and answer no questions are probably the best and most meaningful conversations ever. Its amazing how you can take a few guys who seemingly (I mean from appearances and what others gather from first impressions) don't think much about important issues, take guys like that, put them into a truly deep and meaningful conversation (like, beyond whether grape juice or wine should be served at communion) and its truly awesome the questions that come up. And, of course, answers are almost never around, or hiding in the shadows of the conversation (at best), but the depth of the conversation is awe inspiring. Bringing up Paul and his letters to the various churches in such a discussion it so incredable, I love it.
Theres also the issue of guys and girls (always an issue, never solved). What attracks one to the other (specifically, not generally), what makes a "good" one or a "bad" one to be attracked to, or not attracked to. And why must it be so difficult? And, how do you deal with such an issue in the situation of popularity and being well know by lots and lots of people? Basically, when a guy is so popular with girls (such as when said guy is in a popular band) how does he handle that situation with moral and integrity? (This is forward thinking with hope and asperation in mind). And, for any girls reading this, don't even try to understand, its completely different for guys, and there is no way that any girl will ever understand it. Don't be offended by that, or venture a study into the male mind, just accept that you won't understand, and be grateful. Yes, despite what popular media is trying so desperately to shove down everyones throat, males and females are inherantly different, and always will be, and these differences are practically un-understandable by members of the opposite gender. So I guess my point is, if you a girl reading this, you most likely won't understand, and don't try to, you'll just get a headache. I mean, you may understand the general premise, but not much beyond the surface idea. If you are a guy reading this, hopefully you can see thru me being a terrible communicator, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. But, anyway, enough confusion and slaughtering of the English language for tonight, its time for several hours of unconsiousness.
________ of the day: Naked babies and I have rabies (either you know, or don't even ask)
The un-rabied Ogukuo
Theres also the issue of guys and girls (always an issue, never solved). What attracks one to the other (specifically, not generally), what makes a "good" one or a "bad" one to be attracked to, or not attracked to. And why must it be so difficult? And, how do you deal with such an issue in the situation of popularity and being well know by lots and lots of people? Basically, when a guy is so popular with girls (such as when said guy is in a popular band) how does he handle that situation with moral and integrity? (This is forward thinking with hope and asperation in mind). And, for any girls reading this, don't even try to understand, its completely different for guys, and there is no way that any girl will ever understand it. Don't be offended by that, or venture a study into the male mind, just accept that you won't understand, and be grateful. Yes, despite what popular media is trying so desperately to shove down everyones throat, males and females are inherantly different, and always will be, and these differences are practically un-understandable by members of the opposite gender. So I guess my point is, if you a girl reading this, you most likely won't understand, and don't try to, you'll just get a headache. I mean, you may understand the general premise, but not much beyond the surface idea. If you are a guy reading this, hopefully you can see thru me being a terrible communicator, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. But, anyway, enough confusion and slaughtering of the English language for tonight, its time for several hours of unconsiousness.
________ of the day: Naked babies and I have rabies (either you know, or don't even ask)
The un-rabied Ogukuo
20 June 2006
Hangover
Ok, I guess the last post needs a bit of a follow up (read it first, if you haven't yet). I can't say I didn't mean it, cause for the most part, its all true. But, it all just kinda hit me at the same time, a bad time. Kinda like a hangover, I mean, of the emotional/mental kind, not the alcahol type. The last few weeks were pretty cool with goin to California, doin a concert, spending an evening in SF, and mostly not spending alot of time at work. Then suddenly, it was Monday and I was looking down the barrel of a full week of work with no real highlights for the week, or this coming weekend either, really. It was just frustrating not really having anything to look forward to in the near future. Workin all week by myself doin the same thing all day everyday is kinda hard to deal with. Its increadable how slow time can go by when you are bored out of your mind. But, I know its gonna change. Sooner or later I'll be doin something else. Either I'll find it at my current job, or I'll have to leave for my own sanity and find something else. Thats what I'm hanging onto at this point, thank goodness I heard today I may be going out to the field to help put on sprinkler heads. Yeah, not glorious, but at least a change of scenery. Hopefully next week I can get enough of my design work together to show my boss and hopefully start working myself up to the design position I want. And, I know its a long shot, but I'm also holding onto the outside possiblity of the band taking off. To quote the illustrious rhymer, Eminem........"Success is my only mother-f*ckin option, failure's not." No matter what, where I am, how I do it, who's there with me, when it happens, I am going to be a success. As of yet, I don't know in what or how or when. But it's gotta happen, I won't settle for anything less.
_______ of the day:
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
The determined Ogukuo
_______ of the day:
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
The determined Ogukuo
19 June 2006
Easy isn't
Ever feel like you have everything figured out, just to turn around and find out its really all just fucked up? Its that feeling of wanting to run away, get out of town, out of the country. I want to do that right now. I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be anywhere. Least not anywhere I know. I want to get away to somewhere where I'm don't know and no one knows me. "It doesn't hurt when your dreaming"- Operation Joy Kill. I want to spend the rest of my life dreaming, I hate reality. Its nothing but pain and hurt. Spending all day doing nothing at a job leading no where, and the evening is nothing but trying to forget. Amazing how moments of loss can really be moments of clairity. I wish I could just go back like 6 years and start everything over. And yet, why? I mean, what could I change? I wish I could erase my memory like 'Eternal Sunshine'. Even if I lived the same things over and over, if I could just forget it for a while. Where can I go from here? It doesn't matter, life follows me everywhere. What I am, who I am, who I know, where I've been, what I've seen, it will all always be with me. No matter what. I guess theres nothing but to continue to conitune, over and over. Its gonna be a long life.
16 June 2006
Come as you are
OJK had a show tonight in SC. Attendance was kinda meh, but our set went ok (esp. considering its the first time we've played together in 1.5 months), and we made a few connections that could prove to be quite helpful in the future.
So heres the deep, thoughtful question of the post: What will become of this band? I mean, are we gonna have fun, play shows, entertain people, etc? Or become known thru-out the "Sioux Empire" and play various shows around this area? Or is it possible that it will take off and we become a big name band? I mean, I honestly think we have the band personality as well as talent to do it. Of course, it also means being in the right place at the right time, having the right guy hear us, etc. And by all means, I would love to make a career out of being a traveling rock 'n' roller. But, is that something that should really be pursued or not? As much fun as it would be, is it worth it? How many rock stars have killed themselves, or turned into shells of people addicted to drugs, etc. I don't think its worth that. Obviously the rock lifestyle is outside the ordinary, in both good and bad ways. I guess the question is would it be worth it if it was ever a real possiblility. And, yeah, thats tough to say. Its easy now to say that I would never get into the bad side of it, but how many other people have said that? And then end up killing themselves because they just can't handle it. I don't think that would happen, but having that much pressure is kinda scary to think about. Yeah, the pressure thing, another point, I mean, everyone watches your every move and would love to eat you alive for any of your mistakes. I dunno if I would want my life picked apart like that.
Ok, enough deepness for now, time for some unconsiousness of the sleeping nature now.
________ of the day: Fun and Entertainment vs. whatever the opposite is.
The as-of-yet-unknown Ogukuo
So heres the deep, thoughtful question of the post: What will become of this band? I mean, are we gonna have fun, play shows, entertain people, etc? Or become known thru-out the "Sioux Empire" and play various shows around this area? Or is it possible that it will take off and we become a big name band? I mean, I honestly think we have the band personality as well as talent to do it. Of course, it also means being in the right place at the right time, having the right guy hear us, etc. And by all means, I would love to make a career out of being a traveling rock 'n' roller. But, is that something that should really be pursued or not? As much fun as it would be, is it worth it? How many rock stars have killed themselves, or turned into shells of people addicted to drugs, etc. I don't think its worth that. Obviously the rock lifestyle is outside the ordinary, in both good and bad ways. I guess the question is would it be worth it if it was ever a real possiblility. And, yeah, thats tough to say. Its easy now to say that I would never get into the bad side of it, but how many other people have said that? And then end up killing themselves because they just can't handle it. I don't think that would happen, but having that much pressure is kinda scary to think about. Yeah, the pressure thing, another point, I mean, everyone watches your every move and would love to eat you alive for any of your mistakes. I dunno if I would want my life picked apart like that.
Ok, enough deepness for now, time for some unconsiousness of the sleeping nature now.
________ of the day: Fun and Entertainment vs. whatever the opposite is.
The as-of-yet-unknown Ogukuo
14 June 2006
Other side of the fence
Somehow I have a feeling alot of these posts will relate to girls and relationships. And on that note.........
I can't count (at least with my shoes on, I can't) how many times I've been rejected by a girl. Typical story, I get interested in a girl, come on too strong, she wants to be friends, I get shot down, and end up all awkward and without a relationship. Sometimes I've never talked to the girl again after that, and sometimes (thank goodness) the relationship recovers and we stay good friends.
But recently theres been a new game in town, and I've been on the other side of the fence than what I'm used to. I'm used to being rejected, but turning down someone else is relatively new territory to me. And I hate it just as much as what I'm used to. Especially when the girl is a nice one, and one I'm friends with. I've turned down girls I didn't really know, but thats not really a big deal. I mean, in that case, since I don't know them, they can't really know me yet, so I figure theres no real basis for them liking me anyway. But when its a friend, thats different. Then its obviously someone who knows me.
I thought I knew what I wanted in a girl, but now I don't know. Even with girls who I know who have the qualities I think I like, sometimes I don't like them as anything more than a friend, and I don't understand it. I've also recently realized (even tho I've really know this for a long time) that if I ever want a exclusive relationship with a girl (I've never had one) I'm gonna have to stop acting like a Jr Higher and actually talk to a girl about it. I mean, as a male, I'm supposed to be the pursuer, and regardless of personal views on that, I've never really done that besides having crushes and talking to the girl's friends about it (thats the whole Jr High thing). And, of course, thats easy, cause I'm not putting myself on the line as much, but actually talking to a girl about it, yeah, a bit more of a risk there. I've gotta get past being scared of that, take the risk (cause, face it, its worth it in the long run), and actually pursue a real realationship in a real way. Of course, I know that means I'll get hurt more, but hopefully it'll be worth the pain if I find what I'm looking for (it would also help if I knew what I was looking for).
So somehow that turned from a post about turning someone down into a post about asking someone out, I dunno how that happened, except the excuse of stream of consiousness.
_____ of the day: Evidently, I bare a striking resembalance to Ben Folds with short hair.
The Folding (hehehehehe) Ogukuo
I can't count (at least with my shoes on, I can't) how many times I've been rejected by a girl. Typical story, I get interested in a girl, come on too strong, she wants to be friends, I get shot down, and end up all awkward and without a relationship. Sometimes I've never talked to the girl again after that, and sometimes (thank goodness) the relationship recovers and we stay good friends.
But recently theres been a new game in town, and I've been on the other side of the fence than what I'm used to. I'm used to being rejected, but turning down someone else is relatively new territory to me. And I hate it just as much as what I'm used to. Especially when the girl is a nice one, and one I'm friends with. I've turned down girls I didn't really know, but thats not really a big deal. I mean, in that case, since I don't know them, they can't really know me yet, so I figure theres no real basis for them liking me anyway. But when its a friend, thats different. Then its obviously someone who knows me.
I thought I knew what I wanted in a girl, but now I don't know. Even with girls who I know who have the qualities I think I like, sometimes I don't like them as anything more than a friend, and I don't understand it. I've also recently realized (even tho I've really know this for a long time) that if I ever want a exclusive relationship with a girl (I've never had one) I'm gonna have to stop acting like a Jr Higher and actually talk to a girl about it. I mean, as a male, I'm supposed to be the pursuer, and regardless of personal views on that, I've never really done that besides having crushes and talking to the girl's friends about it (thats the whole Jr High thing). And, of course, thats easy, cause I'm not putting myself on the line as much, but actually talking to a girl about it, yeah, a bit more of a risk there. I've gotta get past being scared of that, take the risk (cause, face it, its worth it in the long run), and actually pursue a real realationship in a real way. Of course, I know that means I'll get hurt more, but hopefully it'll be worth the pain if I find what I'm looking for (it would also help if I knew what I was looking for).
So somehow that turned from a post about turning someone down into a post about asking someone out, I dunno how that happened, except the excuse of stream of consiousness.
_____ of the day: Evidently, I bare a striking resembalance to Ben Folds with short hair.
The Folding (hehehehehe) Ogukuo
06 June 2006
The Starting Gun
So I'm joining blogspot. I'm not ditching my Xanga, but I'm gonna make this one a bit more personal. And everyone knows my xanga site. This one, I'm not gonna tell people about. So if you are reading this, you must have just stumbled upon it, congrats.
So, how do I start my blogging? Um, well, I was more or less inspired by Pauly's blog to start this one. He opened up about his troubles with girls, and I felt a strong chord resinate within me on the same tune. I really don't even want to look for a girl anymore. All I've experianced in 'the game' is pain and stressed friendships. I've liked wonderful girls who don't like me, and it hurts alot. I've also liked girls I really shouldn't be interested in, and that leads to its own special problems as well. And (this being a new addition to the lineup of problems) I've had wonderful girls who I like as friends be interested in me. And I'm not interested in them in anything more than friendships. So, that leads to pain and ackward social situations. As much as I hate being in emotional pain, causing it is worse, I think.
So where does all of that leave me? Well, for now, nowhere. I don't want to look for/be interested in/find/hook up with any girls right now. I mean, I do, but I know that with everything else going on right now, I couldn't handle it. And besides, I don't want to do the looking right now, just the finding. And thats impossible to do, of course. I know pleanty of girls who I would like to try a relationship with, but for one reason or another, it wouldn't work with any of them. So, for now, I'm closing myself off to that possiblity. I'm striving to make it the whole summer without putting myself thru that pain. Not that fall will change anything, I doubt I'll be hooking up with anyone then either.
So, thats 1/10 of 1% of my thoughts on the subject. Good luck understanding it, cause I don't understand it, so theres probably no way you'll be able to.
If you've happened to find this (obviously you have) feel free to read it, but please don't tell anyone else about it.
______ of the day: contentment
The striving Ogukuo
So, how do I start my blogging? Um, well, I was more or less inspired by Pauly's blog to start this one. He opened up about his troubles with girls, and I felt a strong chord resinate within me on the same tune. I really don't even want to look for a girl anymore. All I've experianced in 'the game' is pain and stressed friendships. I've liked wonderful girls who don't like me, and it hurts alot. I've also liked girls I really shouldn't be interested in, and that leads to its own special problems as well. And (this being a new addition to the lineup of problems) I've had wonderful girls who I like as friends be interested in me. And I'm not interested in them in anything more than friendships. So, that leads to pain and ackward social situations. As much as I hate being in emotional pain, causing it is worse, I think.
So where does all of that leave me? Well, for now, nowhere. I don't want to look for/be interested in/find/hook up with any girls right now. I mean, I do, but I know that with everything else going on right now, I couldn't handle it. And besides, I don't want to do the looking right now, just the finding. And thats impossible to do, of course. I know pleanty of girls who I would like to try a relationship with, but for one reason or another, it wouldn't work with any of them. So, for now, I'm closing myself off to that possiblity. I'm striving to make it the whole summer without putting myself thru that pain. Not that fall will change anything, I doubt I'll be hooking up with anyone then either.
So, thats 1/10 of 1% of my thoughts on the subject. Good luck understanding it, cause I don't understand it, so theres probably no way you'll be able to.
If you've happened to find this (obviously you have) feel free to read it, but please don't tell anyone else about it.
______ of the day: contentment
The striving Ogukuo
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