Washington is to Iowa as Mountainous is to...

I got back from visiting Andrea in Washington last night. It was a great time! We did tons of fun stuff, most of which were games of catch. I also wondered around Bellingham by myself for a good portion of Friday. This was a wonderful experiance, I'm starting to fall in love with Bellingham. And Birch Bay. And the beautiful view from Lynden on a clear day. And many more small things about the area that are too numerous to list here.

Now that I am back, however, I am feeling unmotivated to do anything. You know that feeling of returning from vacation and getting back "home" and settling in? I don't feel it at all. I feel like I left what I am comfortable with and came back to what I'm doing just to get by. Knowing that I'm moving to the area I just left makes it feel more like home. And leaving someone to return "home" is really more like saying goodbye and leaving home.

And knowing that I'm returning to 5 straight days of work doesn't help. I don't have a free evening until next Monday. I think it is this particular aspect of life out here that I am really ready to move on from. And as soon as possible. Its hard knowing that I'm done in just a few months, but for now I'm kinda stuck. Especially when I'm already dreading going in pretty much every day.

But, back to happy news, it looks as if my job situation out there is starting to align itself. Its too early to say yet, but its looking good. And it sounds like a job where I wouldn't be stuck in an office 40 hours a week, this is very happy. Also, my grandparents have a strong chance of getting a house in Lynden, which is good. I've been considering this for one of my housing options for the fall, so knowing that its more of an option is a good thing.

Well, on to take a shower where I have little water pressure, questionable hot water, and no vent fan to wisk away the steam. And thats after a week with access to a shower with awesome pressure, unending hot water, and a real vent to keep the bathroom unfogged. But its ok, my corner of the unfinished basement with thin carpet rolled out over concrete is so much nicer than a fully padded and carpeted room with a real bedroom door and a window.

______ of the day: How many more months?

The ready-to-move-on Ogukuo

I struggle with lucid thoughts.

I have been introduced to a drink called a 'Steve'. It has made me hum happiness. My life has seen improvement because of it. I heart it mightily.

I leave for Washington tomorrow morning. I am tired. And not packed. And feel much like sleeping and not packing. This is not good.

There is a complete lack of motivation that has currently taken over my being.

I think I need a Steve.

The thought of being in Washington is very exciting. The thought of travelling there is the opposite.

I played racquetball yesterday. It was fun. I didn't know the rules. It was fun.

I think M*A*S*H really peaked at season 3. I like it all, but season 3 is awesome.

I'm too scattered to even make intelegent sentences at this time in moment. And sentences are backwards getting. Thrown around too much, and the thoughts in my head are upside down.

Thinking is hard when your brain is turned off/Thoughts to the east immediately your brain when the arrest. I typed the first sentance into an online translator and ran it thru like 5 languages, and thats what it spit out.

I agree with both sentences.

_____ of the day: Burnt brain!!

The burnt Ogukuo

Better take the stairs...

-I just played tennis for the first time in something like 8 months. I was tired by the time the warm up was over. Between desperate gasps for breath I was planning my will expecting the worst. I believe this is a sign of a need for a change in my "fitness routine". Creating one would be a change, right? Anyone who wants to play tennis/racketball/catch/checkers/pretty much anything that involves exerting physical energy, lemme know.

-I'm considering moving upstairs in a few weeks when a coupla roommates move out. This is for a few reasons. It'd be a good excuse to sort/streamline my possessions for my upcoming move this summer. Plus having a real bedroom with a real door and a closet and windows is very appealing. Not to mention it would be nice to not have to walk up and down the stairs 87 times a day just to commute from my room to the kitchen/livingroom/bathroom/outside world. But being in the basement when its rediculously hot this summer is also appealing. And hauling all my crap upstairs when I don't need to isn't appealing, but would probably be good in the long run.

-Am I justified in sleeping in til 10 am on my days off when my work days leave me very sleep deprived? I mean, I slept 4 hours later today than yesterday. That can't be a healthy pattern. How I yearn for a job where I can have a normal sleep pattern. Thats not too much to ask, is it?

-I am currently extremely excited about the prospect of making bread by hand. I realize, this makes me sound sorta odd, but its true. Bread is such a basic thing, but if Sara Lee decided to retire, would I have the know-how to fend for myself??

-Does anyone know when Season 4 of The Office will come out on DVD? I'm gonna avoid watching any episodes from season 4 til I can see them all in order. And I'd rather watch them on DVD than online, its just not the same. Especially on my computer.

-I have laundry wrinkling in the dryer and food upstairs not being eaten, and both of these are signs that I must take action quickly.

______ of the day: In the end, you will be loved.

The out of shape Ogukuo

A short week

Wow, this week makes up for all those times in the past when I said that time just drags. I can’t believe it’s the weekend already, it feels like I just walked out of church last Sunday.

I’ve done a lot of stuff that I haven’t done for a long time (or ever); saw some long lost friends, went to Platte, SD, watched Enchanted, ate at a nice restaurant, watched The Office with more than just passing time in mind, and had the chance to make the living room look all pretty with candles and flowers and the such. Oh yeah, I also hung out with Andrea a few times :).

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about how amazing it is that I have the chance to do what I want with my life. I look at what I’ve left behind in CA (some things I miss, some I don’t), and what I’ve gained by living in Iowa. And I also look at what I’ll lose by moving to WA (again, some things I’ll miss, some I won’t). I can’t wait to see what I’ll gain by living in WA. I look at people who have made their own lives miserable by choices they have made and realize that what we make out of life is really what we get out of it. I could spend my time lamenting what I don’t have (the list is long, just like everyone), or I could enjoy what I do have and work hard to get the things I want.

I have been accused of complaining about things a lot, and I can’t say that I’m not guilty of this. But the truth is that I really do enjoy the hand I have been dealt. And you know why? Cause I’m gonna make the most of this hand. Last night I played guitar for the first time in a long while. This is really sad. Here I have a beautiful guitar sitting in my room, the full capability to play it, and the love of music to enjoy it. And for a long time it just sat there. Ok, so I can’t play like some of my (former) roommates. But I enjoy guitar, and I shouldn’t let the fact that I’m mediocre at playing keep me from doing so. I’ll just let it keep me from playing in public :).

Sorry for the rather obvious revelation, but it helps me remember to stick to it if I broadcast it. Especially in the next few months, as they will probably bring me many new opportunities and directions to take my life. Its exciting to be at a point in my life where I can see God’s plans for me starting to unfold in such a tangible way.

And now I digress in the interest of hunting down some cake from the kitchen.

______ of the day: Know when to hold ‘em.
The Ogukuo

For every Monday there is a Friday

Ahhh Friday. Such a wonderful thing. The sun is shining, the temps are in the high 50s, and snow is disappearing. And I must add, Saturday, highs in the mid 60s, more sun, less snow. Is this not a beautiful thing?

There is a wonderful feeling one gets by having a clean car. Its a mixture of earned pride and a certain self-awareness that is not unlike wearing a new suit. You move extra smoothly, you walk a little taller. Indeed a wonderful feeling.

There is something not wonderful about dreaming of work. Its like never leaving the job. Why do these dreams always involve the worst-case scenerio? Why can I not dream about a good day at work?
*tips hat to Paul in knowing agreement on this issue*

The convergence of friends at a single place and time is truly an event to be savored and enjoyed. For it is these moments that make life, that you talk about in the future.

Camping. Ahhhh, the thought of camping. Summer. Need I say more?

Today is a day to make one breath deep, to try to take it all in and experiance beauty to the fullest. Indeed a good day.

Lets hope my work experience this afternoon leaves me feeling unaltered from my current state of optimism.

______ of the day: "Ooooh, ooooh, ooooh, oooooh, oooooooh-aaa" - Space Dementia, Muse

The optimistic Ogukuo

Sing m-o-n-d-a-y s-u-c-k-s to the Mickey Mouse Club theme song...

So it's Monday. And that means that it was a snow day today. I'm pretty sure that 75% of the Mondays this winter have seen school either start 2 hours late or be cancelled altogether. And I don't recall a single snow day that hasn't been on a Monday. It's actually quite amazing. Granted, it's caused by the weather, so it's rather hard to justifiably complain. But, today is an exception. We did not get the call that school was cancelled until 8:15 am. School starts at 8:20!! We were literally 2 blocks from school! And so was everyone else! Ok, you cancel school cause its too dangerous to get in, right? But when everyone is there already, it doesn't make any sense! I am of the firm conviction that someone dropped the ball on this one.

In other news, I felt woefully out-brained last night. Over hookah and tea there was great discussion about subjects I didn't understand, using references to great thinkers I'd never heard of. So to make myself feel better I retired early and read some Kierkegaard. This, of course, didn't help, because it just confused me. He's a difficult read. Ok, I got some of it, but after slogging thru about 3 pages I gave up and tried to sleep. And then I slept not well. For a variety of reasons, primarily the very loud movie coming from upstairs around 2:30 am. And then I rolled over, it seemed like 2 minutes passed, and my alarm went off at 5:45 am. And then you can start reading the beginning of the blog, cause that's where it picks up.

Hmm, once again, a depressing blog. Set to a depressing black background. It's been recommended that I change this. I believe I will. When I figure out how.

_____ of the day: sanity is just ytinas spelled backwards

The gniog enasni Ogukuo

The pain in my neck reaches my stomach

So the non-awesomeness I experienced Tuesday night snuck up on me again last night. Same symptoms; stiff, sore neck, and a headache. Its mostly gone this morning. Not all the way, but mostly. But now its accompanied by hollow, heavy feeling in my stomach. I dunno what the deal is, but its not cool. I feel like I'm hanging on the brink of something, but I have no idea what. I guess it could be some sorta not-awesome illness, or maybe just the severe want for some time off from work, etc.
I feel like doing nothing, but I'm gonna force myself to clean up my room and see if some sort of accomplishment helps the feeling. Maybe I just want the feeling of appreciation. I know I would love it if someone did something for me, like cleaned my room, can I get that same feeling for doing it myself?

______ of the day: "Do you think that you could see your way to lay yourself down?" - Keane

The whatever Ogukuo

Enjoying the Small Things

-So whatever was causing me much non-awesomeness last night is past and gone. Thanks mostly to Excedrin and a certain Mark who painfully removed the pain from my neck. Wow, he's mean, but it totally worked, I feel all straightened out and not tied up at all!

-I must once again voice my distain for Tuesdays. They are still the odd day out for the week. There's rarely anything specifically bad about Tuesdays, they just tend to bring a general feeling of meh-ness.

-The city desperiately needs to either fill in the potholes in our alley or pay for new shocks on my car and cartilage in my spine.

-I have a real twinge to play golf soon. And catch, really want to play catch outside.

-Cutting up a nectarine and mixing it with Honey Bunches of Oats is a premium idea.

-I need new socks and t-shirts.

-The pasttime of reading has once again entered my real of existance.

-Hopefully photography does the same thing this weekend...

-Oranges from California stand as solid proof for God's existance.

-I think the most special things to me are small things that I enjoy beyond others comprehension. The things that "force" a smile onto my face that others just don't understand. I think love is seeing these things in another person and being able to provide and share those moments.

-If forced into a situation of losing either your sight or your hearing, which would you choose? I still don't know for myself.

______ of the day: I enjoy music. I wish I understood it more.

The seeing/hearing Ogukuo

Mystery Non-awesomeness

So I have a headache, my neck is really stiff and my lower back kinda hurts. For some reason these sound like the symptoms of Hepatitis. Of course, I'm self-diganosing from what I remember of a M*A*S*H episode. Perhaps not the best way of operating. Its most likely just the combination of sleeping wrong at some point, a semi-stressful (although admittedly not too bad) day at work, lack of hydration, and much lack of sleep.
My idea for solving this problem? Going to the Bean and not home to sleep as I probably should. But, I haven't been able to go Beaning in a long time, so I really want to. And I can sleep in tomorrow morning, a first for quite a few days.
I have this odd feeling that I have spelled many words wrong in this post. Yes, I looked up Hepatitis, and this is the only way I spelled that one right. I hate Scrabble.
_____ of the day: Maybe a nice patron of the Bean can releave my neck pain...
The tied up Ogukuo

Springtime for Iowa

I've already celebrated Spring blog-style, and now it seems like its kinda retracted itself. The warmer temps have kinda stuck around (thank goodness), but its often cloudy, kinda rainy, and somewhat windy. But hey, its a step in the right direction!

Things I've noticed recently:

-Working a "normal" 8 hour shift (even if it does start at 6:30 am) makes life much easier to face than working a split shift. I've had access to both sleep and free time! What a novel concept!

-A house is much easier to keep clean when there are fewer people living in it.

-Having an unclear direction in life kinda sucks.

-Getting birthday cards and packages is awesome, and spirit-lifting.

-I forgot how much mud accompanies the spring thaw. Seeing ground again is awesome, but stepping on it isn't so awesome.

-I find joy in making others happy.

-I rarely like spending time alone.

-Realizing what it is that you want in life makes it harder. Getting by day to day is easy, every day you eat, you meet your goal. Realizing that you want more means you need to actually do something about it and plan ahead. Hard to do when plans are up in the air.

-I think the near constant cloudiness is bringing me down.

-I never knew the extent to which anxiety can affect someone until I started my current job. Now I see it in myself alot. Probably more than what is healthy.

-Speaking of health, I had a physical last week. I believe the word the doctor used to describe my health was "outstanding". Well, before he saw my cholesterol scores :S. But they are border line, and summer is coming up, so real excersize is on the horizon.

-Moving furnerature around can really make a room look different.

-Every time I sleep at work I dream about work. Every single time. And its always bad scenerios.

-This blog is getting too long and paranoid.

_______ of the day: I want a 3 day weekend from life, not from work.

The needing-vacation Ogukuo

The Story of Us

Thats the movie I watched last night. I hated it, for the exact reasons I think I'm supposed to hate it. And for that, I liked it. Its a hard movie to watch, but I supposed that was well intentioned. I think the progression thru the movie really shows his turning off of emotion. He really does love her, and that never changes, but he needs to stop showing the love for his own sake. Sort of a self-preservation. And her monologue at the end of the movie shows that she finally realizes the love, and maybe she can reciprocate it.

But then the movie ends. That sucks. What happens? Do they actually do something about it, or just continue goin on like they were? Cause then there would be endless sequels to the movie, and they would never get anywhere. I guess the assumption is that she meets him in the love.

But there's no way of knowing. Cause its just a movie, right? And we never get to find out.

So thats a short review, maybe you disagree with me.

______ of the day: "Will you see me in the end, Or is it just a waste of time" - Hamburg Song, Keane

The 'say a word or two to brighten my day' Ogukuo

Burnt out and searching

I am burnt out. On everything. On work, on moving, on the lack of any normal sleep pattern, on no free time. I thought that a week away from work, and then a 3 day weekend this past weekend would help rejuvenate me and prepare me to return to work. I was wrong. The times away were great; I relaxed, and enjoyed myself, and really felt like I had a break. But coming back to work just brought me right back down, I no longer felt rested. I have to deal with the stress at work, and I don't get enough sleep between shifts, and I have no free time, no time to deprogram after work.

It makes me once again ask myself what it is that I want in life. Cause on paper, my life looks ok. I make enough money to get by, I pay off my loans and other obligations, and continue to live on. But I have no organization to my life, no way to fit in the things I really want to do. I haven't paid serious attention to photography in way too long, and alot of my household obligations keep getting shoved to the back burner. When I am sleep deprived and my two options are either sleep or organize my paperwork, I'm gonna take the sleep. And when my options are either organize paperwork or focus on a hobby, well, I know what I really need to do.

Part of me really does enjoy the work I do. Its engaging, almost always moving, and not monotonous. But its also very stressful, and I never really get time to destressify. If I could do this work on a normal, 8-hour daily shift, I could most likely handle it. But having no life in the evening, no normal schedule to base my life around. I can't commit to anything outside of work, because I have no constant free times.

I'm also burnt out on non work related stuff. Thinking about my plans for the future and choices I need to make is also quite stressful. They carry alot of weight, and I don't really feel like I'm in a good position to be making them right now. You know when you fold the four parts of a cardboard box to make it stay together? I feel like I'm trying to somehow do that with my life. All the parts need to fold together, but some parts I don't know about right now, and some parts I can't really even work on til I know about other parts. So, once again, I feel like I'm floating and can't find a good base for my life. I yearn for a solid anchor to pivot around.

_______ of the day: When you start to pick it apart, It gets so depressing

The burnt out Ogukuo

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I'm at work, and we have a 2 hour late start, I'm hoping it doesn't become a full snow day. That would be not awesome.
It's quiet around here. Dordt's out of session, and everyone is out of town. Almost everyone. I went skiing on Saturday with Dane. First time I'd gone in probably 5 years. It was fun. The skiing skills came back pretty quickly. While I wasn't too brave, I did hit some slopes I shouldn't have. Literally hit them. But, no major injuries, just general soreness and a constant attack of ibuprofen over the past few days. I very much want to go skiing again, but I'm guessing that'll wait til next season.
Yesterday marked the quarter century mark for my life. 25 years. Old. And since I fully intend to live to at least 100, I guess I've officially started my quarter life crisis. I would buy a convertable, but it would be impractical in Iowa. Then again, maybe impracticallity is the point. Meh, I'll wait til I'm 40 or 50.
All in all it was a pretty quiet birthday. Actually, a very typical Sunday. But without peoples around, there wasn't much to do. But thats ok, relaxing at home and talking to well-wishers on the phone was nice.
______ of the day: Hello Mary Lou, Goodbye Heart
The 25-year-old Ogukuo

[ctrl+c and ctrl+v my last post]

Yes, indeed another beautiful day.

Snow is melting like an ice cream cone at the beach.

Green grass is very visible in our backyard.

Birds are singing the song of awesomeness.

Goosen are flying north in droves.

Blue skies are comin' my way! (until tomorrow, but I'll take it for now)

I saw 3 mature bald eagles and a young one sitting in a field today. Something about that is
awe-inspiring.

Sitting outside and reading a book is the foremost thought in my mind.

I feel alive again, as if my sense of beauty has been buried all winter, and is now re-emerging from the snow, much like the green grass.

Indeed, this is a foretaste of glory devine.

I have an incredable urge to garden!

Fresh, real oranges, one of the most beautiful fruits God created, are in my possesion, and being very thoughtfully enjoyed.

I'm done sitting in a dark, indoors basement. If you want me, I'll be outside enjoying Beauty.

______ of the day: California Dreamin'

The temporarily-happy-with-Iowa Ogukuo

Today is a :)

To quote my father, spring has sprung.

-We hit 50 today. It was sunny, melty, clear, warm, calm, down right heavenly.

-I bought and have read over 1/2 a book today. I suspect I will finish it tonight, or maybe tomorrow morning. This is huge for me. I've read more pages today than in the last 6 months combined I believe.

-I talked with a gentleman from Bellingham last night who sounded very enthusiastic about my coming out there, and sounded eager to help me with my job hunt. This was a huge morale boost and really made me believe that I am starting to find a direction in my career that is becoming more solid.

-I recieved a package from my parents today that contained assorted Easter and birthday treats. This also suited well as a morale booster :).

-Yesterday was the first time in ages that I could smell a dairy here in Iowa. It reminded me of Lynden, Ripon, and a Sioux Center that exists outside of winter. All of these are happy thoughts.

-Some of what has contributed to my recent negativity seems to be in the process of being worked out. This is highly wonderful.

-I don't need to be up before the sun tomorrow, always a happy thought :).

-Going to the bean is in my near future.

-I think I may be going skiing at Mankato this weekend. If I go, it'll be the first time in many years. I'm very excited and hope that I will not be showing up to work in a body cast next week.

-In the last 3 days I have watched 3 previously unviewed (by me) episodes of The Office, season 1. Paul recieves good gifts for his birthday.

-I was outside in short sleeves today and totally comfortable!

-I found out that some people are actually sticking around for part of spring break, this is also happy.

-Yes, today is indeed a :). And with Spring (rapidly?) approaching, I hope that the :) continues!

______ of the day: The thought of BBQ is coming much closer to reality in the near future...

The Springy Ogukuo

I had no idea what to blog about, so I just started writing...

So last night I was on the verge of going to bed at 11:30 because my life is just that exciting. But then Paul and company came over, and we went to WalMart and got stuffs to make cake, and did so to celebrate the anniversery Paul's entrance into this world. It was good times. The night before was celebrations of Andrew's birthday. Generally revelry and fun ensued both nights. Makes me really look forward to my birthday next weekend. Except not really, cause no one and there dog will be around. As of right now, the highlight of my birthday looks like it'll be a nap. Unless plans to go to Omaha pan out, but I'm not going to be optimistic about that, yet.

I could easily write an essay again about what I want to do, and careers and callings, etc etc, but I think I've done enough of that recently. Suffice to say, I'm considering teaching as a more real posibility, and this makes me very nervous and scared.

I was watching Survivorman last night, and was amazed by how much of a morale boost he got from finding some mini-shrimp to eat out in the jungle. But, I guess after not eating for four days, I would be pretty excited too. Makes me realize how easy I really have it. I mean, I have the day off tomorrow, and will certainly not be hunting for food, attempting to secure my hut against the elements, or warding off wild animals. More like hunting for something to do, securing groceries from the local store, and warding off the temptation to sit around and watch The Office all day.

Evidentally, we're supposed to experiance temps in the 40's and 50's this week. I should be excited about this, and I am. But I should be more excited about being excited. Sadly, being excited about temps in the 40's just seems so wrong to me. I want to be excited about temps the 60's, or 70's even. Ahhhhh, someday.

Thinking about the warmer temps and everything is making me want a BBQ something fierce. Not just the food, I mean the smell, and the outsideness, and the fun with friends, and the green grass, and the not snow.

And now its time to get back to reality and stop dreaming. At least for another month or so until there is a valid chance of BBQ weather.

______ of the day: A mild month of March means much merriness :)

The Marching Ogukuo

Of jelly-bellies and jobs

I wanted to expand a little on two points I made on my last post.

First off, jelly-bellies are amazing. I'm pretty sure I could spend the better part of an entire day experimenting with various combonations of flavors. Although, there are a few I could do without. There's something wrong with eating a tiny, chewy, sugary candy that tastes like popcorn. I dunno, I expect crunchy and dry with that taste, not chewy and sugary.

Second, I have thought alot more about what I said about job possiblities. After looking at various jobs, and working on my resume, etc., I've come to realize some things about myself. I still have no idea what particular line of work I want to go into, but I have a much better idea of what it is I want to do. I want to help people. I know, that sounds cliche, but I'm feeling called to it. I have no idea how yet, but almost every job I've looked at and considered involves working directly with people (teaching, admin counselor at a school, working with disabled people, etc.). I see my main areas of strengh to be working well with people, and enjoying multiple tasks throughout the day, instead of doing the same thing all day. And I'm beginning to realize that its these skills (among others) that I need to consider and base my job off of. As much as I enjoy design work, I see myself being much more useful in a different position.

One of the positions I looked at in Bellingham paid ~$36k a year. I consider this to be a pretty good wage, esp. compaired to what I'm making now. I was talking to my grandma about this, and she indicated that she thought I was worth twice that. I know that was the sweet, grandmotherly thing to say, but it got me thinking. To be honest, I was almost offended by her saying this. Is my value based on what I get paid for my job? I mean, I consider my job right now to be highly valued, but I certainly don't see it reflected in my paycheck. And on the other hand, I see people with relatively uninvolved jobs making $80k a year. Does that mean that they are more valuable than me? If I find a job that I feel I am very well suited for that only pays $20k a year, should I take it over a job where I am not as well utilized, but get paid alot more? I dunno, there are obvious advantages either way. And strong considerations both ways. I just don't want my worth to be completely wrapped up in my salary.

______ of the day: I dunno, I'm still trying to figure it out.

The searching Ogukuo

The Washington Blog

Greetings blogging friends, I'm rejoining your ranks! Sorry for my extended absence, over the past week I've had access to a computer only twice and each time was about 5 minutes long. It was actually really nice, I felt much less addicted to email, facebook, blogs, drudgereport, etc.

So, funness took the place of blogging over the last week, I think I'll do a list type thing to hit the highlights.

-randomly met a guy in the Sioux City airport who knew a guy I knew, and we had uber Dutch CRC connections, happened to have seats right next to eachother to Denver, and chatted the whole way. That was pretty awesome.

-Met up with Andrea and met her roommates, they are a hoot. Entertainment seems to abound at their apartment.

-Saw many new things such as: Andrea's classroom and school, Widbey Island, Mt. Baker (kind of), Bellingham (awesome city), Whatcom Falls, Birch Bay, Doris's Donuts, Bethal CRC (of Lynden), Bellingham URC, and the Whatcom County Chorale. And many many other points of interest around Lynden that are too numerous to list.

-I went to class with Andrea on Monday and Tuesday, and taught a 45 minute science class on renewable resources on Tuesday! That was fun, although rather chaotic.

-There's at least one Jr High girl with a crush on me. Why didn't that happen when I was in Jr High?? Back then it would have been cool, now its just, um, wierd? annoying? I dunno.

-Saw my grandparents who live about 40 minutes from Lynden. I hadn't been to their place in years, it was cool to see it again. My grandma managed to get in several jabs about my earrings, all of which were skillfully deflected :).

-It was wierd to have so many people I'd never met know so much about me.

-Having seen a new area, and scoped out some job ideas, I am once again firmly planted in having no idea what I want to do. New ideas coming to mind are teaching (gulp), continued work with disabled persons, and possibly college recruitment. Yes, back to that, but at a different school.

-Now that I'm back home, I feel kinda anchorless. The past few months I've been looking forward to this trip. Now that its over, I feel like its just back to work with nothing in the near future to look forward to. I'm sure thats a normal post-vacation feeling tho. And getting back into the swing of things will probably be a good thing.

- I've rekindled my love for jelly-bellies.

______ of the day: "Taken in context, its not a bad thing. But when you start to pick it apart, it gets so depressing" - The Perfect Ending, Straylight Run

The returning Ogukuo

The Perfect Ending

taken in context
it's not a bad thing
but when you start to pick it apart
it gets so depressing
it's that sort of thing
that makes you think too much
it's that sort of thing
that makes you lose your objectivity

so, if you made it
just be glad that you did and stay there
if you ever feel loved or needed
remember that you're one of the lucky ones
and if it's over
just remember what I told you
it was bound to happen
so, just keep moving on
there's no perfect endings

you peel back the layers
and get down to the inside
but sometimes you lose sight
of what it was you were trying to find
and it's that sort of thing
that makes you think too much
it's that sort of thing
that makes you lose your objectivity

so, if you made it
just be glad that you did and stay there
if you ever feel loved or needed
remember that you're one of the lucky ones
and if it's over
just remember what I told you
it was bound to happen
so, just keep moving on
there's no perfect endings
no pefect endings

Don't accept that whats happening is just a case of others suffering or you'll find that your joining in the turning away.

Last night I was talkin with my mom on the phone and she said she thinks I'm showing signs of s.a.d. I kinda wrote it off and didn't give it much consideration, but alot of the symptoms are simular to what I'm dealing with right now. Even on days off when I get enough sleep I feel tired, and its really hard to get out of bed. But then again, I've never been a morning person. I've lost interest in alot of my hobbies. But then again, its hard to practice photography when its zero degrees outside, and the lack of band action is more about busy schedules than loss of interest. I do feel more grumpy and anxious. But then again, I have a high stress job, I'm in a long distance relationship (getting harder by the day), and I'm facing major changes and uncertainty coming up in my life. I've gained weight. But then again, the lack of warm weather is not condusive to activities such as riding bike, walking, or playing tennis. Evidentally I was kinda the same way last year at this time (this is what I'm told, I'm not observant enough to remember).
So do I show signs of s.a.d., or is it just a matter of stress, up coming change and uncertainty, and crappy weather converging at the same spot? Or is that what makes one suffer from s.a.d.? Maybe its just been the lack of any real down time thats got me feeling this way. I don't mean days off, I mean like a vacation, time away from the norm. I get that next week, thank goodness :). I'm ready for the simple pleasure of being away from work and chores for a week.
Why is it that in a situation where I see courage in someone else, I see weakness in myself?
_______ of the day: It's not enough just to stand and stare.
The On the Turning Away Ogukuo