Burnt out and searching

I am burnt out. On everything. On work, on moving, on the lack of any normal sleep pattern, on no free time. I thought that a week away from work, and then a 3 day weekend this past weekend would help rejuvenate me and prepare me to return to work. I was wrong. The times away were great; I relaxed, and enjoyed myself, and really felt like I had a break. But coming back to work just brought me right back down, I no longer felt rested. I have to deal with the stress at work, and I don't get enough sleep between shifts, and I have no free time, no time to deprogram after work.

It makes me once again ask myself what it is that I want in life. Cause on paper, my life looks ok. I make enough money to get by, I pay off my loans and other obligations, and continue to live on. But I have no organization to my life, no way to fit in the things I really want to do. I haven't paid serious attention to photography in way too long, and alot of my household obligations keep getting shoved to the back burner. When I am sleep deprived and my two options are either sleep or organize my paperwork, I'm gonna take the sleep. And when my options are either organize paperwork or focus on a hobby, well, I know what I really need to do.

Part of me really does enjoy the work I do. Its engaging, almost always moving, and not monotonous. But its also very stressful, and I never really get time to destressify. If I could do this work on a normal, 8-hour daily shift, I could most likely handle it. But having no life in the evening, no normal schedule to base my life around. I can't commit to anything outside of work, because I have no constant free times.

I'm also burnt out on non work related stuff. Thinking about my plans for the future and choices I need to make is also quite stressful. They carry alot of weight, and I don't really feel like I'm in a good position to be making them right now. You know when you fold the four parts of a cardboard box to make it stay together? I feel like I'm trying to somehow do that with my life. All the parts need to fold together, but some parts I don't know about right now, and some parts I can't really even work on til I know about other parts. So, once again, I feel like I'm floating and can't find a good base for my life. I yearn for a solid anchor to pivot around.

_______ of the day: When you start to pick it apart, It gets so depressing

The burnt out Ogukuo